It is with hesitation that I write this blog.
I am a people pleaser, sometimes to a fault. I don't like to let people down. I don't like for anyone to be mad at me. I don't like to mess up.
And while none of these things are necessarily wrong, they can lead to things that aren't necessarily right.
I've been doing some thinking lately, okay…a lot of thinking lately. Change has to come. It just has to. It's time to stop constantly wondering what people are thinking about me. I go into places and assume that people won't like me. That I dress funny. Maybe I smell funny. A whole on slot of thoughts and questions come and they leave me feeling down.
Then I start to compare myself to others. I am great at the comparison game. I scored 100% last time I played. And in case you didn't know…it's not the best game to play.
And while I am not exactly sure what this change is going to look like, and exactly how it is going to happen, I know it's time.
I don't have to win the approval of others, I already have the approval of the One who matters most.
I have a wonderful husband who loves me and encourages me every day. When he tells me I'm beautiful I have a hard time believing him. I don't ever doubt or question his love, but my own self. But really, what kind of a crazy, psychotic, strange person am I? I am married to the most amazing man, and I can't bring myself to believe him.
I have to work on it. I have to move out of the way so that the Lord can work on me.
When I started to think about wanting to make some self improvements and such, in my head the direction was more pointed towards losing this post-baby weight. Toning some flab. You know, the things that really matter in life. *wink*
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that there was other change that needed to happen as well.
So although I have to admit that I'm a little afraid of what this is going to look like…the process of it all…I am excited about it. I'm ready to see what God has in store.
If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours
(PRE-CHORUS)
I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life
(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm
(PRE-CHORUS)
I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life
(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
(CHORUS 2)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
You've become my heart's desire
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
2 comments:
Kristen, thanks for sharing your heart so freely. I hope and pray that you will be encouraged as you see the hand of the Lord moving in your life and helping you make the changes you desire.
One thing I thought about as I read this was how early in my marriage, I had such a hard time accepting compliments from Jeff, especially about my appearance. If he said, "You're beautiful," I'd say, "No, I'm not." If he said, "You look really nice," I'd say, "Well, I should have ironed this shirt; it's too wrinkly." He taught me to bite my tongue and simply say, "Thank you." It's amazing how hard that was to do!!! But it helped me personally and helped the dynamic in our marriage as well.
Keep up the good fight, Kristen. You're on the right track!!
As I read your post I realize how I feel very much the same.
I hadn't heard from a friend in awhile, so I started wondering if I had done something wrong. My imagination ran wild, and I had decided that certainly I had said something she didn't agree with, and now she didn't want to be friends anymore . . .
She *did* call, and it turns out she hadn't been home much, and wanted to wait until she had a bit of time so that we could chat.
Anyway, my point is that I'm always wondering what others are thinking of me, and I constantly doubt myself. That is definitely something I need to work on too!
I think it's great that you are recognizing it and in pursuit of a change!
Hugs, and prayers,
Liz
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